I hid a 6pack in the microwave for later
I knew I liked you
Beer is about to convince me to do something really stupid.
i do some of my deepest thinking on my wednesday morning walks of shame
I can't wait for round whatever # we're on tonight.
Im just a social blackout drinker.
You refused to get in the cab so we rock paper scissored to decide who walked you home and the fat guy was it. So don't blame your poor hook-up choice on me; it was all you.
Just say its a British thing. They wont know Its not. And if they say you're not British, proposition them for a post-sex game of cricket.
Question: what's the protocol for seeing your mistress walking alongside her clueless boyfriend? If you could answer this ten minutes ago, that'd be great.
you did that thing you do when youre drunk where you rant about bruce springsteen, start hooking up with someone and then pass out midway through
It's ok, it's locked within patented Sealrite technology. That puke is staying fresh
He walked in on me banging his sister and said "you're both old enough to make you own decisions. Carry on"
I think God is sending me all these 20 year olds to make up for wasting my 20's in that crappy ass marriage. Thanks Big Guy!
You peed in a public fountain and then felt bad so you put dish soap in it; 4 ft tall bubbles.
Greattt I just sexted my dad trying to write u back
HANDS OFF UNTIL AFTER I DO BUTT STUFF WITH HIM.
Randomize
