If it were my dying wish, would you come over 2nite 2 save me?:):):) wana come anyways?
My friends, they love my intelligence
how was that guy you hooked up with?
i used to think blowing a .05 was a good thing
OMG I just tried to text you something dirty but accidentally texted the obama campaign
It's always a relief to be able to look at some one, and remind yourself that there IS some one who gets laid less then yourself.
I wish i could be on x for the rest of my life.
I just spent the last 30 mins playing uplifting songs to my uterus, & there's no way I'm pregnant.
John stretched a condom over his face and tried to puke in it.
You came in as I got off work, ordered us jack and cokes. Put them on my tab, and then proceeded to fall asleep on the bar.
Hello, the Less Drunk that has my sister's phone. I am the Moderately Drunk. I am questioning your Friday activities. Why are you not the More Drunk?
Surely the maintenance men have seen worse than that condom right
I thought my broken hand would put a damper on Halloween, but fake costume eyelashes and hydrocodone are kinda fun at the same time.
He found a way to charmingly ask me for a threesome and when I said no he made it sound like he was even happier. He's a fucking wizard
PS: bike ride of shame at 7am includes riding by kids waiting for the school bus #classy
I'm not in bed, I'm driving and puking at the same time.... first for everything
Randomize
