Today I ate a sandwich and half my molar fell off, feels like a semi sprayed into my jaw.
I wish i was spraying into your jaw.
I should be sponsored by Trojan
he was so drunk he doesn't remember anything. I have to break up with him all over again
All I remember is holding on to the elevator asking it politely to stop spinning
he said I could live with him because I'm cheaper than a dog and don't need a pet deposit. That and I don't piss on the carpet...
It was almost awkward to look at you naked while listening to Circle of Life. Just saying.
How did you get a free t-shirt at the strip club?
I was attacked by whores
You threw up on yourself again didn't you?
They were strong whores
Just heard the words 'Pussy Riot' on NPR...I almost crashed my car.
Well I found out I was essentially dumped and replaced by a hipster and apparently offered a girl $95 to go out with me. In the spirit of the Olympics I will not be spending any time on the medal stand.
Im coming down to miami this weekend
We shall drink from the everclear river
Let's drink tonight I promise I'll make it out of the house
Where is Holly?
Nevermind. i can hear her having sex two doors down
He said watch this and then went and tripped into a group of 40 year old women, now he's leaving the club with them.
Apparently I thought every drink in my house needed to have a buddy so I put some vodka in each one. Long story short being wasted at work because the gatorade you brought is 60% liqour is not a great idea.
Dad literally changed the channel from an episode of Big Bang Theory to another episode of Big Bang Theory. That's why I hate this show.
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