I least I know I can't get pregnant because it's on my hair
THEY SHOULD WARN YOU WHEN THEY MAKE JELLO SHOTS WITH JACK DANIELS!!! THEY SHOULD WARN YOU!!!!!!!
Nothing says "I forgive you for puking on me during sex" like a Facebook add the next morning...
I'm treating myself to a " uve slept with yet another mr. Wrong" breakfast
How drunk are u on a scale of one to couldn't get it up if u had a gun at ur head?
So how was the sex with me last night?
No worse than usual.
You could sing the national anthem right before we have sex. Make it feel like a sporting event
We can't shop at Hobby Lobby anymore. They don't like Plan B which basically runs through our veins.
you were angry and didn't have anything else to throw so you threw a breakfast burrito...?
He's only giving you free adderall so you can focus on his dick.
Medicine hack, old crowe and ramen flavor packets isnt a cure for the cold.
The only thing that makes a night with half a bottle of cheap vodka is the other half of that bottle of cheap vodka.
We'll just play naked Twister, the rest will take care of itself
You sat outside petting a picture of your cat for hours... not even the real thing... just a picture.
Sitting on couch, workout sex makes me more sore than regular workout
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