i was high and broke so i stole a roast chicken and a 40 inch sheet cake from wegmans and ate in a bathroom stall.
drunk doesn't even begin to explain it. dude called him and said to bring you back because he'd already called dibs.
she danced around my room naked waving around the gold trojan magnum condoms singing "i have the golden ticket."
little did she know i was taping her the whole time.
we went through the mcdonalds drive through and you asked for a free sample of their fries to see how you liked them.
I'm pretty sure I saw a man standing on a table with no shirt on getting sugar thrown at him while "pour some sugar on me" blaring while the cops were in the house.
If you fuck her, Im going to call you and I want you to cough 2 times.
Dude, you disappeared somewhere on the walk back and shortly after we got a call from your cell phone from this guy explaining that him and his roommates woke up to the smell of burning pizza and a naked stranger on their couch.
Every time I someone I meet again from that wedding it turns into the "Oh your the guy who puked in the hallway and passed out in front of the elevator."
Dude. There are selfies on my phone of me, wide-eyed, sucking my pillow. We did NOT split that bag 50/50.
He offered me a trade. He'll come sober to my parents 25th anniversary dinner if I let him tie me up for an hour.
Update. bondage is a lot harder than it looks.
You are the only person I know who has a fierce hatred for a five year old. Not even five year olds in general, yours is very specific
The cat ate a weed mint. This is not a drill
U sent me lyrics to wind beneath my wings
My liver misses your liver
He was passed out, face in the toilet, so I just pissed on his head. Serves him right
Girl in front of me just swan dove into the middle of the carpeted hallway, stood up, clapped for herself, and then continued walking. My life is complete.
Randomize
