she added me on facebook and her celebrity doppelganger is rosie odonnel. FUCK
You were plastered and wouldn't stop telling this hot girl about your plan to graffiti a church in easter colored spray-paint saying that Jesus was a Zombie... she kept saying her father was a pastor...
how do i word it so it doesnt sound like im asking him if he has ever been in jail.
He's the kind you'd bring home and you'd wake up and all your food would be half eaten on the kitchen floor and all your socks would be missing.
Vodka?
Forever.
Oh. My. God. Dad smoked a bowl. He's been playing cards...I just told a story and when I was done, he got really close to my face and very seriously asked me if he had cheese in his beard. I'm about to die.
I'm at the local community college pretending to be a substitute for a computer applications class
It got quiet and we all stood around and opened the box and I've never seen so many burritos in my life man. it was fucking biblical.
I put a bagel at the end of my bed so every time I want a bite I have to do a sit up
Sexy intern needs to have caveman sex with me
The sex definitely would have been a perk. But not sitting in a ditch was what I was going for...
The moral of the story is this:the last shot of the night is always a mistake
Thanks for duct tapping my dick to my leg while I was passed out. I could only aim straight down. I stood on your bed. Have a nice day at work!
nyquil+orgasm=very intense and oddly interesting
Only I could dislocate my ribcage coaching volleyball and still want to get drunk tonight.
Randomize
