That bitch is like a bad destiny's child song.
We video chatted for almost two hours. But I woke up with puke on my keyboard. The question of the day: were we still chatting when I vommed? No idea.
i love accidental penises.
Just woke up in a hotel next to a 38 year old mom who's married... I think Spring Break has started
You should have been there to see the look on her face when I told her that my dog gives better head than her. It was a beautiful symphony of shock, anger, and disbelief.
I woke up naked in my bathtub at 5:30 this morning. There's legit a spray tan body print of me in the fetal position in my tub.
Note to self: Do not bring gift bag with cock ring inside to family Christmas. Leave to unwrap at home.
Lol okay. He's gonna show up with like a trunk of sex toys. He's like the mary poppins of hotel fucking.
Running errands with mom, cool. Coming to pleasures with mom for her valentines night, not ever in a million years cool.
I keep getting the feeling him and his friends are hilarious and we should drink whiskey together forever
Between fucking and sleeping I woke up missing four out of five of the earrings I was wearing. It's like a star rating system. I had to give him props.
Man I sound like a slutty Mormon
I'm using emojis for drug deals now. It's time to kill me.
Uhm... Found a ziploc bag... In the freezer. Sam, thought it was lemonade. Why did you make frozen piss at my house, again?
I just realized that this is the first time I've ever seen your mom without sucking your cock.
Randomize
