I had to fart so bad so i let it go hoping it would be quiet, it was loud and shit came out!!! and i couldnt leave because her parents were behind me
i just put a booger in my mom's hair and i just needed to tell someone.
Piggyback rides are my preferred mode of transportation.
From now on, just let me go home. I'm tired of hooking up with your roommates... Including you.
Hopefully. Play it cool. Bust out a few jokes. Chew with your mouth closed and show your boobs.
I said "have a good day officer and I'll see you friday when I get arrested for being too drunk.."
I need a gatorade, my back cracked, my crimper, my shot glass, a sock of rice and an explanation.
You did this to yourself.
I asked if he wanted to come over and he said he was busy. Then I sent him a pic of me in the bath with the bottle of wine I already finished and all of a sudden he was free. Booty calls are too easy.
It was that same situation where "cuddling on the floor" was actually just code for "rough shameful hate sex" hahaha.
She kept grabbing my head and told my faces to stop shaking.. Also, she kept whispering something about seeing flowers in my eyes.
I just heard a 350 lb guy with a stutter describe getting blood in his eye as he was shanking his cellmate and, more generally, how to survive as a white guy in jail.\n\nYou should really consider going to some AA meetings
Don't worry my mom is buying me a vasectomy for Christmas
if people come over to pregame will you hide my Oreos
Last night I recall my hair going up in flames. This is evident by the burnt hair smell that is following me around this morning
He wants to play improv games now whenever he gets drunk. Sometimes I just do not have the energy for that kind of a thing
Randomize
