I swear, you have an app for that. "Attention: your boyfriend is pooping. Place call?"
he peed everywhere. it's like having a puppy.
Meeting relatives from another state drenched in tequila and smelling of weed. I'm gonna kill you for soaking the only bra I brought in Jose Cuervo Gold.
My worst case scenario tonight is that I fuck a hot Swiss girl. Let that give you perspective on my life at the moment.
Got into the physics lab with my student id, hooked up over break when school was closed. I regret no payments for tuition.
Your fuck buddy is making you watch the OC. I think that counts as strings attached.
I was a little curious what "unspeakable" things he could possibly do to my feet
Do me a favor and don't mention him I feel like Regina George and I just want to scream I made him
I just found a To Do list on the table, written by me last night, that just says "1. Go downstairs. 2. Get Pickles. 3. Laptop"
okay yeah but you've seen me eat jambalaya naked
I guess I just don't understand how the two main issues with your ex involve a cock ring and a Christmas tree
But I am still fully ok with my life choices as long as the consequences aren't onesies and pacifiers
I accidentally gave my prayer card to the bouncer. Clearly a cry for help #saveme
Don't get into any trouble on your trip
The only foreseeable trouble would be pregnancy, but I gotta be sterile otherwise I'm beating some pretty fucking incredible odds
If hypothetically I needed to puke on the bus... how would I go about doing this.
Randomize
