he was wearing sponge bob boxers. Guess how long he lasted.
I got a black eye last night. This guy said for every 35 pounds you lose you gain an inch to your dick. I asked him how long he has been peeing sitting down.
True Life: I hate vaginal excretions
We went into lab today and when no one was looking i touched our cadaver's penis!
Just described your amazing cock to a complete stranger. I am officially the worst wingman (chick) ever.
shit went down at the bar when this girl with 'morals' totally cock blocked a married guy. she actually kicked IN the bathroom door when they were fucking in there. then we all did shots.
He corrected my use of grammar... I think we both know that means i have to sleep with him
Don't wake me up to tell me to cook for you because you don't like taco meat.
Named all the presidents in order between puke sessions while semi conscious so that's a thing I can do now
Something I can get at drive through, boobs out, don't want to get out of the car
it’s not easy to sexualize brunch. work with me, babe.
Idk how much of a virgin he is but I'm tryna find out.
The house across the street caught on fire today, Drunk people high centered their car tonight. Looking out my front window I get to watch police chases all the time. I am going to miss this place.
Saw my doctor at the bar. He bought me a drink. I think he was looking up my medical record on his phone because he suddenly had to go. syphilis continues to fuck with my life
We're getting a bucket of chicken and screwing around, so no, you can't join us.
Randomize
