You should've come with us, we're at Home Depot looking for men.
I took chris brown's side in the conversation ... cut to me not getting laid tonight
This hangover is way worse than all my relationships
Every time I walk onto campus my Saint Patrick's day scar starts to throb. I'm like a drunken accident prone Harry Potter
If your mother gets up on the bar again, I will. The bouncer already had a talk with her earlier.
THAT FUCKER WASTED TWO OF MY COLORED CONDOMS! HE DIDN'T EVEN FUCKING FINISH IN IT HE JUST SLAPPED IT ON AND WASTED IT!
I just set a reminder on my phone to get star spangled hammered this weekend.
the cops are being surprisingly chill about david hanging from a tree with no pants.
Your friend gave me you're number. I was the guy locked behind the book shelf.
I think you have the wrong number, but I hope you escaped your library-prison?
Would you accept a fantastic blowjob as payment?
MY COWORKER IS ATTRACTIVE AND I DROPPED A SONIC THE HEDGEHOG JOKE IN CONVERSATION I FUCKED UP
woke up to find a case of beer in the oven and a random puppy in the house...guess i had a party last night?
Just fell down the stairs..might wanna call the ambulance jus take the weed out of my pocket be4 they come..
no its a draw, weve been through this, when were keeping score on getting laid i get a plus 1 handicap each week because of your British accent! its only fair!
Don’t be alarmed my pee bowl is in your shower
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