Your favorite bartender is back from prision
you told his mom that the only thing he wants for christmas is his dick in your mouth
it's not cheating when I paid for it
maybe you should start leaving anonymous bottles of booze on his doorstep with love notes attatched. that always gets me.
he's downstairs watching tv with my family... I called the home line so my mom could bring me my make up bag cause my real face would prob make him delete my number
please dont pick me up from the airport dressed like a terrorist.
Housing came buy and confiscated our shopping cart :(
There is nothing more embarrassing than your birth control alarm going off while in a meeting with your boss and they tell you to take it.
Febreezed myself at a stop light on the way to the IRS office. Judgmental glare from some old lady in the car next to me, thumbs up from her husband.
I found someone's tooth on the stairs when I was vacuuming, and my sister found a catheter in the men's bathroom... this cleaning job is dangerous
Then this bride walked into the bar, she thought it would be a good idea to hug her & then she started playing parachute with her train.
its weird that my cat bites every fat chick i bring home. i repeat every fat chick, qhT KINDA FRIEND ARE YOU
You understand the drunkenness of my drunkenness
I think I may be going on too many job interviews. I've started to bring up Shonda Rhimes in my interview answers.
I know she’s pissed I fucked her husband, but I didn’t know he was married until after I blew him at Legoland
Randomize
