the nicest thing hes ever said to me is give me head.......please
do you think there was ever a doctor who smelled his finger after giving a prostate exam?
Dude we got so high last night. I said "watch this" threw a goldfish cracker in the toilet, and laughed my ass off. We watched the dvd menu for 30 minutes too.
Soo I have a handle of 100 proof captain, cupcakes, and nothing to get up for in the morning.. This blizzard is shaping up to be a great night.
Decided against hooking up with creepy stalker guy for a ride to work. I feel I've earned a few self respect points back.
I walked home with an awkward asain couple. There was a language barrier but I think we're friends now.
It was his first time doing shrooms and we made him ride in the truck bed. But he kept standing up and yelling when we stopped so we had to keep driving
I was told I sang Taylor Swift's entire discography in between violent bursts of green vomit before falling asleep in the bath tub
Do you think the firemen will remember me?
Yes. But you were sloppy, sobbing, and puked on two of them. You won't get in their pants.
Who knew I could feel anymore shameful at the bar than i usually do...I think my bartender recognizes me from the walk of shame out of his house after i hooked up with his son yesterday
Just remember that no one else gets to suck his dick but you, feel honored. It's like the Olympic torch of life is being passed off to you and it's your time to run
Rough day
Good thing I've started drinking again
If you don't sing 'dust in the wind' at my funeral, I'll haunt you forever
..needless to say, i got fired. But I'm in the parking lot tanning on top of your car... so its not all bad.
Had a dream last night where I asked you how your Christmas was and your response was, “sex, man. Just lots and lots of sex.”
Good god. A spell so dry your friends actually commit it to their subconscious!
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