when did we get to this "texting at random" level on friendship?
I proposed and she said yes man.
You realize the irony of surrendering on independence day, right?
This last weekend single handedly took me off the liver transplant list
She went to the bathroom before i broke up with her so i changed all 2500 of her songs on her computer to "I'm a cheating whore"
You were hopping up and down because you wanted only his strongest sperms to make it to the egg.
Darwin at his finest.
God dammit, you have a cape and I don't even have a fucking jacket.
You put your shot glass in your waistband and then told me how convinent it was.
Also, I am ligit concerned that I might compulsively start collecting vibrators like Pokemon.
History professor is at the bar. Hurry! There's only so many A's he could give before it starts to look bad.
Ugh..Yesterday was a complete alcohol fueled shit show. Not making eye contact with anyone today. Don't deserve it. Eye contact is for decent people.
If your mother gets up on the bar again, I will. The bouncer already had a talk with her earlier.
Dude, please tell me you know why there's a naked chick asleep outside my room.
Sooooooo, maybe just fucked on a motorcycle.
Sorry your girlfriend got you a valentines present and you forgot to get her one.
How long will your dick be dry?
It feels like heartburn in my lungs. I'll buy 2 pounds.
Randomize
