yeah. then i thought it would be a good idea to show them how hairy my armpits were, so they'd be distracted from the bush in my pants. EPIC FAIL.
Kelly Kapowski is pregnant and it's not Zach Morris'. I no longer believe in true love.
Walk of Shame today included voting.
Did we almost burn down the bar last night? I guess flaming shots were a bad idea.
Have you SEEN his girlfriend?? Or talked to her? Christ almighty I'd drink every day just to die let alone black out
You paid a stripper $40 to choke me out last night.
My tweets this weekend consisted of me telling every bar I went to that they were my favorite valentine. I've never felt like more of an alcoholic
And then I went through the chix filet drive through for breakfast in all my republican post sex glory
He literally said from now on he's always banging chicks with asthma becuas it's such an ego booster
Sooo, did you delete me cause I said I wouldn't babysit you while you did shrooms? You're a grown man.
Accidentally texted co-worker instead of bf “I’m wfh tomrw. Nooner? 💦”
Found your bra
Where?
Hanging in the tree
You’d probably be happy to know that I think I’ve mastered the skill of knowing “my type” and then steering clear
FINALLY. I THOUGHT THIS DAY WOULD NEVER COME!
She can't take shots?!? Literally if I could list that as a skill on a resume I would
After I chugged my beer the cop slapped my ass and said "atta girl" this can't be real life.
Randomize
