Our Neighbors are trying to steal our ducks!
I'm smoking weed out of a trumpet
I just did a slip and slide down the hall way of my apartment building
Tie
It's fine actually... I'm pretty sure he had the crookedest weiner in the world anyway.
Like he had it hanging in the wind and you just decided, "nope, I don't think that one's for me." ????
God no! I could just feel it. His clock said it was 8:00 when, clearly, it should have been midnight.
My wife says its no good to have oral sex during pregnancy. So i guess pregnancy is like regular life.
The one night I bring a girl home you leave the footloose soundtrack playing.
No. one of us needs a degree and I am already the alcoholic friend. I can't do everything
saw a man tazing a raccoon in the middle of the street last night... normal
all i remember is that her bootyshorts said 'shameless' and that there was no turning back.
banged a milf last night. she left right after cause of parent teacher conferences this morning. victory.
At the funeral we'll say nice things, like "She was delightfully extreme, psychotically wonderful, and could probably drink all you fuckers under the table."
That's literally the perfect eulogy
The last two times I had sex with him I forgot who it was half way through
Mom and dad should be so proud half of their children have gotten naked in the same local grocery store
then he told me my boobs feel like "if you put mushroom soup in a baggie." I don't know how I'm supposed to feel about this.
I just need a big sign that says no more penis please hanging over my head at all times
It was a bad idea to take ecstasy with cats in the house. No animal likes being touched that much. Let me know how your eye feels tomorrow
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