I am coming home for anal
* a nap*
I met the friendliest cop last night
Fun fact of the day the average american will consume 13248 beers in their lifetime.
So for us it's double that?
Precisely.
Sam from lord of the rings is 10 yards away from me, i am creaming myself.
he was so high, he talked to my goldfish for an hour telling him the dangers of overfeeding.
It has to be really easy to get midgets drunk.
I managed to convince him it was his fault I cheated on him...he spent the last 40 minutes going down on me. I feel legendary.
I swear there's a gravitational pull from your vagina to large groups of men in uniform.
Either of you know why the shower was on and the bathroom door wide open with no one in there at 6 in the morning?
when my phone is in portrait view you can just assume i've been watching porn. that's the only thing i want to see in full view.
If you hear a loud thud and smell ozone, I may have been electrocuted.
The hotel had a helipad. Of course we had sex on it.
Casually blacked out last night and apparently told him he couldn't come back to bed until he got me Taco Bell.
I gave you chlamydia, you gave me a concussion. Now we're even.
It's the first weekend of the school year and I'm already selling stuff for booze. Need a microwave?
Randomize
