I've eaten ice cream, mentos, an extreme gulp and swedish fish today. i feel like diabetes. the actual disease not a person with it.
doing shots has become such a natural thing to me that i just instinctively swallowed listerine
I'm drunk enough to talk Barbara Walters outta her panties
no memory loss, but i'm unhappy with my memories
you came home soaking wet, and when I asked where your umbrella was, you pulled it out of your bag and were so proud you kept it dry.
I just found him singing into an empty paper towel roll while microwaving an empty ice cream carton. I'm gonna run away now.
Power hour was a bad idea. It turned into power 4 hours, then power puke. Then power sleep till 3.
My only objective is to get drunk enough to forget the last 364 days.
Just found out drinking 6 trays of random shots makes me wake up on a club toilet with my underwear and jeans around my ankles
Listen I took a family sized bottle of merlot to the face last night and there's an svu marathon on. Give me some time please.
A stoners worse nightmare? Well packaged snacks. Just took me 5 mins to get a cinnamon roll out of the package. And another 3 mins to properly type this text
I'm so pissed theres no male strip clubs around where we are staying I looked extensively
Guess who's now on the no-fly list? If you guessed me, you'd be right.
i woke up on the third floor, naked in a closet.
You and I both know it takes more than prescription narcotics to keep our family down. See you around ten, brother.
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