The jonas brothers playing in your laptop. This is why guys won't sleep with you...
So my mom just called me into her room and showed me a condom wrapper she found in my room. "Oh that's from when I was like 16." I don't think that was very comforting.
I thought pig tail meant you were suppose to grab on to it when getting BJ
good news. according to wikipedia, my blackout might just have been "post-trauma amnesia"
I would makeout with my roommate, but im not drunk enough and she doesnt like bacon fat
You were throwing up and said, "Whipe my face, I must look presentable at all times."
Just stared at a tree for a solid 5 minutes because I thought a German Shepard was perched on a limb.
Did i tell you that he's legal and i got his number? Because he's legal and i got his number. THIS BITCH AIN'T GOING TO JAIL YET
I think I need to see a chiropractor after giving that blow job
A check for $9 that I used to buy six boxes of Girl Scout cookies bounced. I think I've hit a new low.
a guy just skateboarded past my window in a bunny suit while chased by a dog walker
This is why you have to watch more Zombie movies- to prepare for End Times...
Look, if this is a cop, just lemme know that Mike is ok. Fuckin all star game
I'm drunk and he's still weird.
Just found out my dad smokes weed too. Mom, grandma, all aunts and uncles, and now my dad too. It's like I'm genetically engineered to be a stoner.
Randomize
