genius alert. I just invented a contraption made of toilet paper and rubber bands that makes it so your balls don't stick to your leg when you wake up from sleeping. I call it, The Balldozer
It was like the Ritz Carlton of jails. I got introduced to our criminal system the right way.
I sharted in my sleep... I didnt even think that was possible.
so there is either a lot of blood or a lot of wine in the shower....
it was really awkward meeting your mom for the first time while i was still wearing the condom we were using.
he gave me a thermos so I could take my coffee with my on drive of shame. I was unexpectedly grateful...
if memory serves, the guy you were hooking up with said he was a slutty skittle.
Update: I may or may not be in a cult
Update #2: I may or may not be the leader of said cult
Sexting Captain while emailing my eharmony match about my low key weekend is hard.
I am buying anal lube, an enema, and a bag of kit kats. What part of this is compelling the Walgreens woman to tell me to "be well".
lets go to sea world and you can just hit on every guy in a wetsuit until you get lucky
We're going to ride the bus of mixed signals all the way to unrequited love town and that's where I'm going to live my life and then die.
he walked off and puked in the sand. then he made a sand castle over it so that "it wouldn't upset the kids"
I think he was trying to be romantic, but the candle he had lit was the kind you use to repel mosquitoes..
we used a blowdryer last night to warm up our left over pizza..it worked perfectly at first..but then the chili powder got into his eyes..
Randomize
