My penis is bigger than his and I don't even have a penis.
I'll go out only because I know the starving children in third-world countries would frown upon us if we let an hour of free sangria go to waste...
He just stabbed two olives and a pickle with a fork and deep throated it in front of my family
Not even marginally surprised
while we were making out your friend starting kissing my toes and all you had to say was "just go with it"
I'm currently bartering with this guy so I can fuck his bi girlfriend. We're at 5 pizzas and he gets to watch us make-out.
its sad that I know 23 beers will fit into my purse
HE HAS A CHODE. LIFE IS NOT GOING TO BE EASY FOR HIM.
So then you challenged the bartender to an arm wrestling contest for a free bottle of vodka
Sweet. Did I win?
Youre hungover arent you?
The plan was to get laid... Now the plan is to survive.
New year means new boundaries for the Brazilian lady.. I'm pretty sure I got wax on my asshole
haha it's ok, I asked people. I was like "I'm high and lost" and the dude just said "That's my life. Love it."
I just put on lipstick to sext him. That should tell you where my love life is at.
i woke up wearing a life jacket, holding on to a footlong hotdog, and had on a mr. hustle 1995 shirt on
good night
OMG I DIDNT READ THAT TEXT CAREFULLY CAUSE I'M ON THE DEVILS LETTUCE & I THREATENED TO PUNCH A CHILD OMG I'M SO SORRY
About that photo of the cake you just sent. You do realize it’s on a glass table, right? We can all see your reflection in it, and you’re very obviously naked.
Randomize
