So the last day on the vacation I woke up in the bath tub. My mom said she asked me during the night what I was doing and I said, "swimming."
we left the bar for like 10 minutes last night and moved his car so it wouldnt get towed. neither of us have a clue where it is right now.
I just smelled my beer. It smells like coming home.
It's my fault I'm alone. My closest relationship is with my blackberry....thank god it vibrates.
He said I was like bonnie and clyde all rolled into one but twice as trashy and 75% less clothes...
He obviously understands you completely.
I'm not 100% sure, but I think someone gave me a bath last night...
I was fingering her, she was moaning, and we were singing Mulan
he may be homeless but his dick however is not... anymore.
I hear the sound of that stray bird you rescued from the kitchen but am too busy drunkenly masturbating to feed it
Donald Trump and I would be so adorably orange together!
you said you couldn't hang because you had to masturbate and feed your lizard
How high were you when you left that message, cause you made honest-to-God, credible seal noises.
It was great. Except he kept asking me to lick his butthole, I was like firm no
we are currently pregaming for our walk to the liquor store.
step one: admitting you have a problem. complete.
I think I'm just going to get a farm, a vibrater, and a lot of wine.
Randomize
