I'm dying. Please wear something slutty to my funeral.
If immigrants and dwarves find love, why can't I?
So remember when i bet you that girl uses dick to validate her existence?
...yea
She's valid.
i was watching iron chef and got motivated, so i made dinosaur chicken nuggets
A disheveled girl in front of me just looked down, shrieked, and yelled to the girl next to her "what is this" while pointing at two large white stains near the crotch of her black jeans. I love that Thursdays are weekends, it makes awesome Friday mornings
couldnt find a condom. used a surgical glove instead. actually worked and the sex was great. thanks nursing school
You cant give me a fifth of god damn jim beam and expect me not to cheat on my gf.
I have the slightest memory of swinging a bag full of condoms over my head...
After the 3rd time his brother walked in on us I asked "Does he ever knock?" his reply "This is his room"... Turns out he didn't even live there... I feel like a hoe.
I spent a good part of the night in a bear hat claiming I'd changed spieces
I noticed while having sex on Friday that I have great endurance. CrossFit works.
It doesn't count as "finding the lesbian" if you fuck a straight girl!
However, pretty glad I spent the night puking on my car instead of fucking him. Then I'd REALLY be miserable.
I want to ride that like one of the Horsemen of the Apocalypse- with bourbon in hand and without mercy.
Highlight of the day: got a bunch of drunks to sing baby shark.
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