I just googled "whats above a trillion", thats how busy I am at work.
My mom is making me buy a single zucchini, I look like someone who can't afford a dildo
Found her laying down in a booth in iHop. She's a keeper.
She just dipped a dollar bill in her queso dip and almost ate it before I slapped it out of her hand, no more bar crawls..
If you're missing hair this morning, i'm sorry in advance
I come up with the best drinking games while babysitting
she told me if people cross their eyes and look at her, they say she looks like megan fox
I gained confidence after I found out she was a lesbian. At least that way I could flirt with her and convince her to buy me taco bell after the bar
I told him I was engaged, had 911 on speed dial and made him wear his seatbelt, then dropped his drunk ass off at his motel...probably not the night he was expecting.
I miss the time when Mondays weren't the new Thursdays. I can't drink like my 17 year old self anymore.
Jake bring pizza.
JAKE BRING PIZZA.
No. I either had a 6 minute orgasm or I had so many I lost count. I'm still not sure.
I feel like every young boy's first wet dream is too have sex with the Pink Ranger. I am now fulfilling that dream for one man. I am a hero.
SOMETIMES YOU HAVE TO BLAST VANESSA CARLTON IN YOUR CAR AT MIDNIGHT TO FEEL AGAIN. IDK.
Just found out that my name comes from part of my mom's old stripper name.
Randomize
