I'd rather drink alone in my closet than hang out with that girl
Bullshit. I know you're watching The Dog Whisperer
That Cesar Milan is captivating
shit is crazy. i just keep thinking that this kid growing inside Emily used to live in my balls.
Only you could turn Mozart into a stripper song.
Mango Malibu should win a nobel peace prize
I'm not inviting you over anymore if my cat keeps ending up in the freezer...
you kept telling everyone how your ninja turtle shell also functioned as a backpack
1. Are there men involved 2. Is there food involved 3. Do I have to put pants on 4. Do I have to leave this bed
I'm not so good at organized events that don't revolve around whiskey or playgrounds.
The smell came through my closed door. His farts are made of rendered tires, and apparently, ghosts.
She told him that she never wanted to see him again then took his takeout box of bacon cheddar fries and got in the uber saying "for feminism"
I just watched your sister pour half a bottle of cotton candy flavored snow cone syrup into a bottle of marshmallow flavored vodka, take a swig, frown, and pour a cherry coke in.
Just wait until she offers you a "powerita"
He shampooed and conditioned his pubes but can't manscape for shit.
whatever. i just wanna get "forget my own name" wasted
no. you need to know your name so people know where to return you when you get lost.
I told him. He hasn't said anything. Crying and holding cats is probably what is happening.
Randomize
