God I can't wait to have my phone textbombed every night
If there was a creeper hall of fame you and me would be the first two inductees
how bad would it be if i made his twitter my home page?
I don't remember anything other than how good it felt when I peed my pants.
You are not about to raise that baby deer, you can BARELY raise yourself... Return it to it's mom now.
And we won't even have to pay the tab if we die AT the bar. So..win win.
If there was a tv show called "True Life: My 58 Year Old Dad Rolls Better J's Than Me" I'd be on it.
I just got my beard fondled by a drunk chick outside the venue. I feel slightly violated. And I think her boyfriend wanted to fight me.
As long as you keep bringing fries home, i'll keep being naked when you get home
We had sex and then I offered him a cookie...while he was still inside of me. Basically he's in love
There aren't enough words in the English language to fully describe how worried I am for your dick. And the rest of you, I suppose.
My mom and my boss just had a discussion on FB about the sexual habits of old people. The magic of the Internet.
Preface: Im drunk. But i think id make a good assasin. That is all.
I just went to cvs and bought condoms, handcuffs and a coloring book
New strategy for telling if someone is drunk: will they attempt to drink a candle if you put a straw in it?
Randomize
