thats it. im googling how to make you boobs smaller. this is getting out of control.
I've eaten ice cream, mentos, an extreme gulp and swedish fish today. i feel like diabetes. the actual disease not a person with it.
There's a dead frog in my kitchen?
Yeah, you found him outside and decided to give him a bath with your roommates electric toothbrush.
The worst part is that you sang Air Supply songs to him as you did it. Poor guy died in the middle of "Making love out of nothing at all"
bad to tell him im pregnant over fbook chat?
her underwear stopped being sexy when i saw her pubes sticking out of the top.
I just realized I use Twitter to keep of track of when I get drunk.
Did I hear correctly when it sounded like he said "just don't let me throw up into your vaj?"
When I woke up I had three missed calls from the name 'dream krystals'.... If I remember correctly she was the lady at the drive thru at Krystals and her name was Dream.. She wanted to come to the strip club with us... Do you remember?
Just had a talk about safe sex with my mom. Not about protection. About the very real possibility of a "penile fracture". Gotta love having a nurse for a mother.
Pretty sure I was high. I thought there was music coming out of my makeup bag.
She is the Michael Jordan of blowjobs. Unfortunately, her baby sister is the Michael Jordan of baseball of blowjobs. It does not run in the family.
He texts me "just to say hi" and then tells me how hard he is and sends me a dick pic. And I'm like, dude, I'm ordering a burrito right now
Every text my dad sends me is an AA mantra. Might be time to take a look at my life.
In a meeting I sneezed and my tooth hit the floor. I don't think anyone noticed. I would still like to die now.
We made a blanket fort in my dorm room and fucked in it. Twice. I'm in love.
Randomize
