did I really admit that id have sex with that cougar had I been more drunk?...ugh...i need to masterbate more
Do you need to be saved?
No I think I'm God
it turns out vodka filled condoms arent that funny
What happened?....
He lifted up the blanket, and whispered "Don't do it" to his sperm....
This weekend is gunna be a fucking shitshow. I don't even wanna know how many dicks will end up inside of me
In the UK. Bar special, every drink costs a pound. I'm two shots away from being deported. God save the queen.
It's my first ever "i'm sorry for my excessive drug use" hand turkey. And I think it's pretty boss.
I woke up to find his roommate face down on the couch with no pants on, with a sticky note that said "was lost but now am found"
If i want her back i know all i have to do is sleep with a specific handful of her closest friends. That method is tried and true.
I screamed so bad because I thought he was going for my sandwich forgetting it was in my hand
The funny part was that the cop pulled us over cause the park was closed, not because I had just come up from giving the guy a blowjob when the cop drove by.
It was all good till you had ppl chasin shots of ciroc with fucking applesauce
do you think our homemade porn will pass for my cinematography final?
I should not be able to sum up my life with a taco brand motto...
The weirdest part of it all was wondering if I was going to take off his fanny pack or he was before we fucked
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