I had a dream you and I were having sex. It was pretty romantic.... until you started pulling out toys.
she says it's "been amazing lately"
i think basically because i hate her so much i'm trying to break her in half
Just burped. Tasted like beer and cherios...Beerios. This is gonna be quite a day.
boy from dating site added me on facebook. i don't know if i'm ready for him to see what a drunk i am.
He's having a heart to heart coversation with the keg about what he should do with his life.
He tipped the stripper with quarters. After that not even the waitress would talk to us. I had to move to another table to get a lapdance
yea man just watch out- theres a shitload of broken glass in your bed
i havent blinked in 235 seconds. now 247. now 258. 263. 267. 271. i also have been gifted with theability to both type and count and not blink. 293 so magical
Update: I only have one shoe. The other one now belongs to the gods of jello-wrestling. May it rest in peace.
He could have been a one armed faceless howler monkey. I was so slammered that I didn't care what I was having sex with or if whatever it was... was doing it right.
Anyhow, I am sorry for being obnoxious about wanting more sex and forcing you to eat lunchmeat off of my ginormous nipples. I knew that you weren't going to succumb to my pushy demands
Can you check on Mike in the bathroom. It's been like 20 min.
He's fine. He's just standing at the trash can in line for another beer from the keg. Nbd.
Highlight of my night: you taking that shot of garlic butter and then throwing the empty container down on the stairs and saying FUCK.
I was just the victim of a drive by judging in a horse and buggy.
The fuck? Where?
St. Mary's. Amish people. Too high for this.
Do you think I could use my teacher of month Award to get free drinks?
Randomize
