I just found a frying pan...in my bed.
i may or may not be hanging out with a boxer who has a daughter tonight. and he just spelled "honestly" like "onistly". He has prob taken a few too many hits to the head but he's hot at least.
so i have my big date this weekend, and i was practicing giving head with a bottle in the shower. i stopped and looked at the botton of the bottle. it was PURE MOLD! if i die, dont tell the doctors how this happened....
My RA tried to compliment my pong tables design after he confiscated it
My mom gave me a high five when I told her I was just using him for sex
You and your mom would make an amazing tag team
If you're knocked up, we're telling everyone it's mine and that the power of our love overcame the inherent reproductive limitations of two vhagines.
That awesome feeling when you are pooping on the same toilet that nobel laureates have pooped on
we had break-up sex in a port-a-potty. how do you think it went?!
Did I call him? He cried after taking my bra off. You tell me.
I'm glad you enjoyed the night but why were you calling me "daddy"?
2016 shall be rememered as the year I sharted while putting up the Christmas tree.
I just noticed, at some point last night I got on iTunes and purchased over 100 classical piano songs.
I'm getting paid to get fucked up. How much better could this get?
Do not ever chug tabasco sauce.
tell me about the eggs
Randomize
