oh my god, i just wanna eat cake off your dick
Dude, you posted a cap of a porn to survey if it looked like me. That's pretty certifiably creepy.
Ohmy god im about to fuxk my TA. i thyought this was a dream but i love you. <3
Guess who left Professor Cunt on their paper by accident?
Every pair of shorts I try on makes me look like some kind of powerful lesbian wizard.
That is like, the point of shorts
I just karate chopped a humming bird out of mid air. It came at my face while I was out side smoking. Scared the shit out of me. My ninja skills just took over. Haha. I mean really at that point it was me or him.
Yeah except my drinking partners aka my parents went to sleep Cuz ya know, they're old.
Got stiff armed by the garbage man on the back of the truck...I just wanted to ride one block dude
there is something very satisfying about getting tacos after hours of sex.
The hospital waiting room is starting to become a very familiar place to me.
Hot date tonight for the first time in months and I just cut my dick shaving. PRAY FOR ME.
The cat was building a spaceship out of the carpet, my legs were cans of tomato sauce, and there was something else in that pot you gave me.
When my parents ask, do you think "he was the cop I gave head to in order to get out of a speeding ticket" will suffice as to how we met?
Dude, what the hell where you thinking last night
Welllllll basically they were like "challenge" and I was like "accepted"
reminiscing on last night: why the fuck did I feel the need to stand on chairs everytime we took a jello shot?
Randomize
