Trying to find something to do here is like trying to find a vegan resturant in alabama.
I wana party with Kermit the frog, no wait. Fozzy the bear. He's probably a silly bitch when he's drunk.
My drug dealer is spending the weekend in my studio apartment. I feel like I've crossed a line that should never be crossed.
do you think you could subtly ask him about the dimensions of his penis?
Whoever decided to wrap my shins in duck tape owes me new leg hair.
You were fucked up like a footballbat trying to eat gum off your shoe. And that wasn't even the nights lowest point.
can we just pause for one second and address the fact that balls were out last night
Was my shirt on fire at any point last night? Because I'm fairly sure my shirt was on fire.
State dependent memory. I just needed to feel my teeth. It was like a fog was lifted.
In honor of Dennis Farina dying, I'm offering up free mustache rides...2 takers so far.
Some guy in the bathroom just took his shirt off and proceeded to tell me the story behind all of his stab wounds. That's what I get for making small talk
We are the rockettes of vaginal bleeding
I'm with the cops, Trish's gay husband stabbed himself and is framing her for attempt of murder and I'm dressed 4 the club I'm wearing leather pants leather jacket leather boots and black club top. Embarrassed
I think I should write my liver a thank you note. If it had my work ethic, I would be dead now.
If I lock her out of the apartment right now would the neighbors have grounds to sue?
Randomize
