Dude, I woke up at my ex's house. I am spooning her half naked roommate. There is a pizza on my shoulder. I need you to come pick me up.
I wish my mouth had a period so that could be my excuse on those days I don't feel like giving head
i make up for being a shitty girlfriend by being amazing in bed.
Should you consider yourself out of control when everyone at the party is cheering you on while you're puking, and on the last heave you act like you're rolling dice right before the finale???
he drunk texted me to give me his number with the message "i gotchu pretty eyeso" i can't tell if he's complimenting me or himself.
Bring enough bail money and little extra for tacos after
If I had a mugshot, I would totally use it as my main picture on Tinder, just to keep it interesting.
Decided I'm going to wear a shirt that says "I'm sorry" whenever we go back to that fraternity
You need to somehow incorporate the phrase "these hoes ain't loyal" into your best man speech.
He lit a candle for the mood and ended up lighting my hair on fire while we were hooking up...moodkiller
At least you didn't get an invite in the mail to your fuck buddy's baby shower like I just did. My life is a sitcom
Fuck it. I'm going for it. You're only young once, right?
You've been saying that for 5 years now. Let me know when the novelty wears off.
Need advice bro. Which one should I take: the blonde devil crying in the corner or the brunette crawling on the floor acting like a dinosaur??
You went into the bathroom, got in the tub with a pillow, yelled "this isn't as comfortable as it looks in the movies" then passed out
Our son just found our secret Sex Dungeon that is no longer hidden in our basement. He brought his Xbox and the TV down there he is currently sitting in the sex swing playing video games. What do I do?
Randomize
