I am slurping my drink like I am going to the electric chair
he keeps dipping things in ranch and feeding them to me
Some guy shouted fuck america during the national anthem, i decked him. They threw him out. USA USA USA!
this dude just took some girl under your house for half an hour. you may have helped a 17 year old fuck on the beach for the first time. congrats.
Just walk up to him nice, spread your legs like smooth peanut butter on toast and scream "LOOK AT MY BEAVER! LOOK AT IT!!"
You got Broadway Drunk, dude. I haven't heard you sing "Music Of The Night" like that since the last time I was holding you up on the way to the subway at two in the morning.
She had pubes that could make an episode of Duck Dynasty. Fear the Vag Beard
and then at some point during the night I ended up holding a baby
Why was a baby at a karaoke bar, and were you wasted?
only slightly. thats not the point. it was a cute baby.
Well someone is clearly not winning the parent of the year award here
but I have boobs. I'm not going to buy my own drinks at the bar like some kind of fucking animal.
I just fixed my mom's tv over the phone in 2.17 minutes while high. I'm a fucking professional.
Visions of polite missionary are dancing in my head right now kinda and it alarms me
It's shark week go big or go home
Something tells me tonight will end with me wearing my pants on my head again.
yeah, i'm probably gonna die. still gonna be totally worth it tho
I can’t tonight. I’ve got to see about a penis
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