You supply the liquor and I'll "accidently" forget my bathing suit.
Deal!
Highlight of my evening, pile of books falling onto me in front of people
so I'm in athletic shorts, a suit jacket and I'm still drunk at 6:30am at the last leg of relay for life
I just asked the dr if it was herpes while wearing my shirt from the strip club...
I told you to stay away from the strippers in Oklahoma
Just got a message from a guy on a dating site who says he helped me remove lime pulp from my eye in a club toilet 2 weeks ago.
I STRONGLY considered not bringing that guy home with me last night simply because I'd JUST changed my sheets that morning.
could you clean the juice and feathers off my bed I'm just not up for hangover cleaning.
I should start handing out wavers before I have sex with someone. 1. Do you have anything to do tomorrow? 2. Are you ok with sleeping 12 hours from exhaustion. 3. Are you ok with a limp?
Why would I send you a picture of it when I could just steal the gnome and put it in your bed with you? Admit it, he looks just like gnomeo!
Vom Wallet is no more. We now boldly enter a responsible, adult era where we will not throw up liquor onto ourselves.
She had a tattoo of Luke Bryan on her thigh and she made me waffles. Can I have two fiancees?
Just got a snapchat from him that was a video of with the caption "my new apartment" in Brazil. I think we might not be seeing eachother anymore.
Her son walked into the middle of the living room, took off his diaper, shit on the floor, smiled at me, and walked out, as if nothing happened.
So date night went well?
Never has jello made me angry to the point of drinking. But here I am.
he had to stop me from eating snow off the street on the way back to pick up our cars. that's how hungover i am.
Randomize
