Getting high on the stoop of a brownstone in the middle oh harlem. Doesn't get much more hey arnold than this.
I told her we could be friends and she said the last time i told her that we had sex behind a bar at 4am
P.S. I just watched The Muppets. I feel like I just got a sadness enema.
I walked in her room to find her rubbing lotion on her face high as fuck.
Just got hit on by a 50 year old Englishman who is now swapping drunken racing stories with my mom. Live Mariachi band in the background. How's that for a wake?
Cool. Some 22 year old kids gave me a ride home from the bar last night. In related news, I made out with a 22yr old last night. He was adorable
I fell asleep in my underwear on the deck. What the fuck.
This was the best text I've ever woken up to
Just chugged a Bloody Mary in 60 seconds flat. New personal best! Happy Sunday!
Why do you hate her?
She's dating the best penis that has ever entered my vagina.....
i'm not drunk or reckless enough to have you track my every fucking move. I AM AN ADULT
When your job has killed your spirit to the point that you don't want to flirt with the cute, tall guy at Enterprise
GIRL PLEASE. GO BACK AND POP THE TITTY OUT
Being an adult can't be all bad. I just took a vacation day solely to sit around and get stoned
You're the only person I know who's experienced a micropenis and a magnum XL penis
The logic in me says "don't text him" .But the vagina in me says "text him".
I'm really busy with my period
Randomize
