Forget about socially acceptable. Make me happy instead
I'm in a strip club that reminds me of a crack house from the 80's.
Do you still like to have your hair pulled?
No, I never liked having my hair pulled. I think you have me confused.
had another sex dream about alec baldwin...
Woke up to pictures of me cooking wings with a blow torch.
please promise me that no matter what happens you will keep me away from the children
just go where the car takes you. fingers crossed its here with breakfast.
Know of anyone who would be interested in trading weed for meatballs?
you closed your eyes and pointed to a cupboard..there was vodka on the top shelf. your sixth sense is amazing. plus, we convinced the foreign kid you're a booze whisperer
ok it turns out chain mail does not protect against falling down a flight of stairs. please send help.
He was dressed as a cowboy and he was dancing with my ex roommate. So I took his gun and pistol whipped him with it..then somehow we still slept together..
Matt you can be anything you want to be. Including the awesome guy that brings pizza to a bunch of stoned and sorta drunk kids.
Go tell your boss to go fuck himself because you have beer and doritos and zombies waiting on you
This is a friendly reminder to try not to shit on the toilet seat. If our 4 year old can manage it, I think you can too.
can I CTRL ALT DELETE this universe
Randomize
