i told him i was gay. he said that gay guys are supposed to be pretty.
Let's play a little game called "Chill the Fuck Out" - you're our first contestant
So I have some interesting news. The pizza guy called the cops on me...
Great. Me and the intoxalock guy are getting so close he just said "alright see you later girl!" when I called about getting the blower recallibrated.
OMG HE JUST PUKED WITH THE DOOR OPEN WHILE DRIVING ON THE ROAD AND OMG WE NEED TO CHAT BUT NOT ATM CAUSE THERES PUKE ON MY PHONE
I don't think I have but I might've died. If I have then come get me, I'm in the flower bed. And still game.
Congratulations, I drank so much for your birthday that I'm shitting blood.
I'm sitting with my parents watching football and moaned when I saw his shirtless picture. They looked at me weird so I had to turn the moan into a laugh. A sad, really horny laugh.
This is what my life has come to. Like, I may or may not have just stolen pizza from the guy I just hooked up with's fridge when I left...
I'd like to believe that in some alternate universe we are living this wonderful lesbian life together..
So somehow today's lecture on the immune system turned into me having to stand up and explain female ejaculation to the class.
We just stood outside and debated the existence of mermaids for about 20 min. Is this what too drunk is?
I just ate a handful of salt
I thought this was a good idea
My whole life is a joke
Yeah. I’m starting to see why you drink so much.
First she snuck beer into the movies and then proceded to give me a handjob in the dark theatre. I think I'm in love
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