Fake titties should be able inflate and deflate like tires. So on Saturday you can put on your Double D hooker titties or Sunday put on your size B church tits.
you'll never believe how fucking awesome rain man is when you're stoned.
this party is like a fast-foward into the future when im 40 and married with children
you're close to getting here right? Because if you're still not here and I have to get dressed to answer the door for the pizza guy, i'm tipping him $100 on your credit card to spite you
im still trying to figure out who put the honey mustard in the blender then put the entire blender into the freezer
Sat in the shower and reenacted the "Wiggle your big toe" scene from Kill Bill. THAT hungover.
Nothing says "Good Morning" like Jell-o shots and coffee cakes.
My mom just gave me my fake back to buy her more wine.
she's a nursing student, i didn't think vomit would freak her out so much
you puked ON HER
I just realized I haven't had a date or a potential possibility of a date in about a year. Then I realized I wanted to actually go on a date. But I'm sitting here getting high instead of being at a party. Life.
When I wake up, please remind me why my shoe is in the toilet, my shower is filled with jello, and there is a naked girl sleeping on my coffee table holding a bag of Cheetos. that is all.
Did we do drunk science last night? There's tequila in the test tubes...
I really need to curb my attractions to blondes with tattoo sleeves, firearms and alcoholism
Just had a threesome with a married couple.
Stop living my dream.
I know... It's stupid... It's like, I have sex with his brother and bestfriend ONE time....
Randomize
