nothing makes up for a small, perpetually flaccid penis quite like a British accent
Im rethinking drunk tuesdays. Also rethinking ovaries.
I had fun last night. We should have sex less often.
found glitter on my cock. thank you for bringing me to that dance recital.
You just met him on Thursday, and you've already nicknamed him Golden Penis?
Doing lines of coke with a $100 dollar bill off a 6in x 9in photo of your childhood self really tells you where you where you've gotten in life.
you picked up the vacuum cleaner at one point and said you we gonna beat the shit out of me with it. that was kinda funny
Please take a moment of silence for the fact that I still have all 10 fingers
damnit. I just found my cousin on tinder.
I have to estimate how long it takes them to get to the bedroom so that I can sneak out of my room and get snacks. If she's anything like me, they're in bed the second he gets here and I can get snacks now
you'll probably come home to me baked as fuck and shirtless
Just an fyi, you also tried to wrangle a peacock last night.
feeding cats lunchmeat on my kitchen floor. come pour me another shot.
I just bumped into this random I hooked up with a few years ago at Steve's party. Talk about a fingerblast from the past!
I may or may not have been feeling patriotic and banged Captain America in a closet. SPOILER ALERT: We broke his shield
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