The pickup line "You look exactly like my sister" would only work in Arkansas...SCORE!!
you ran down to the water at 3am and rolled in the sand and ran around screaming that you were the corn dog monster.
Um I just overheard that the new guy spent a month in jail. Obvi another great hire.
I'm not being over dramatic, but I think my heart is going to stop beating.
it's official, after last weekend my girl number is higher than my guy number. fix this.
But i don't feel like talking to him right now. I woke up an hour ago to a picture of his penis and I AM NOT A MORNING PERSON.
this mall makes me feel like I just rolled a 9 in jumanji and got the stampede card
No you usually just ranted about the voicemail bitch until she cut you off again
I thought he put a fake swan in my yard, but no, he put a real life swan in my yard
I love birth control. How's that for a Facebook status on valentines day.
Take off your clothes and see if he wants to have sex, that's a good way to find out
uh...sober saturday NEVER has a good ring to it.
It's only considered alcoholism if you're drinking from something other than a cup....right?
I told him we can’t see each other today because absence makes the heart grow fonder but mostly I just need to rest my vag
Well, if I'm gonna go gay, it's gonna be for NPH
Randomize
