can you have the cops turn on the gps locator on my phone...i just woke up in a Hooters uniform and I have no idea where I am...
i had the deer in headlights look when she walked in and i was digging in her hamper
Last night i was so high that i came home and did a taste test of every vitamin water and wrote theyre grade down on paper.
How you know a guy is gay: they say they would want money, not sexual favors, from emma watson
No. I was horrified and confused as to why you thought scrambled eggs and cottage cheese was a good mix
Come find me please? Im in a ditch.
That doesn't help me much...
I'm right under the moon!
My nipple ring got caught on the rug again. Tequila makes me unlearn these things
I hate about 85% of people that I meet. I'm an awful person. In reality my only redeeming qualities are my face, my amazing scissoring skills and the fact that children love me.
True on all accounts.
the girl peeing in the stall next to mine has really cute shoes. on a scale of 1 to restraining order, how weird would it be to compliment them from in here?
We don't have sex anymore. We both agree that the olympics are more important to watch. All day. Also i don't look good compared to the athletes...
You kept trying to make people drink "salsa-ritas." But all you did was dump tequila in a half full jar of salsa, and shove it in people's faces while shouting at them.
Well at least ssomeone is or the state is tafing over ir in twligiob
I feel like a sex bomb and I need to go explode on somebody
I may have unintentionally punched your cat twice but he's an asshole anyway.
dude idk where I am. fuckin like. there wheat field and a horizon and shit. I think I got on a bus? some dude named Sam gave me a pamphlet about Jesus.
Randomize
