My sheets look like a crime scene.
Did we have sex last night?
I think that was the general idea until I got you undressed and you puked on me.
I only knew it was midnight because i got happy new years texts while i puked outside
Just hooked up with a girl I met in line at Taco Bell. I told you leave me to do my own thing and I'll get it in
Dude's from Puerto Rico. Majoring in Spanish is like us majoring in drinking with a minor in watching Forgetting Sarah Marshall.
I need someone to meet me at the end of the road and throw captain morgan at my face like they do with water at marathons
He just got dropped off drinking a flask, sitting on the handlebars of a chinese delivery man's bike
Tonight's gonna be epic. Did he bring my noodles?
preface to our conversation: my vagina hurts.
I should start prefacing bondage with girls saying "I know you've read 50 Shades, but there is a 33% you're gonna freakout and go home, while I jerk it alone"
I just got a job offer for Australia. Unfortunately I have given the name of Whitney
I was drunk and on Craigslist.. The drunk-text offers people got must have been either horrifying or glorious
I look at it as community service. He was going through a rough time and I gave him an ego boost. That's how we're going to remember it. I was doing a good deed lol
We were getting breakfast he shit himself in the middle of ihop. Mid bite he just yells out o fuck.
My potted cactus died. I am literally less nurturing than the desert.
Plus my parents would be pissed if I spent Thanksgiving in jail... again.
Randomize
