Dude I just witnessed a midget touching himself and singing the chorus to somebodys watching me by michael jackson... it kinda turned me on
and my herpes radar will keep us safe
Tbell employee was shuffling through my bag, calling off each item i ordered to make sure it was all there. I stopped him halfway through with "guy, don't worry, I'm high as shit, I'll eat anything."
So when we opened his headboard we found a bottle of crisco sitting on top of his porn magazines.
I guess we all know what he was cookin.
the blizzard started in kansas. im debating driving to a bar now so i can get snowed in there for the game
Scott woke me up by cracking a beer open in my face. Best friends are awesome.
Its mothers day and I have choke marks around my neck. Thanks for that.
Met the five year old's gym teacher for next year. He is an old drinking buddy and I used to fuck his older brother. It was like a walk of shame 20 years late.
Apparently one comment in my womens studies class cockblocks yourself for an entire semester.
First drunken handjob: not successful. Second handjob, mostly sober: much better. Nightly news brought to you by me.
Just walked into McDonald's and a bunch of fat girls gave me a look like I just entered their territory.
i have an important question...can you drink in jail?
So when I eventually, if ever, find someone I'd like to marry, do you think having people fly to africa for a lion king themed wedding is too much?
He said my vagina smelled like pomegranates. Its like my vagina is the fountain of youth.
I am no longer and illegal Moonshiner. I just made thousands of gallons of incredibly High test alcohol with police watching and waiting for thare couple of jugs so that they can bring home and disinfect their houses with it. I'm fat with money at the moment.
Randomize
