I just wanna be some guy's midlife crisis
some girl had on jean underwear. i hate america.
You drank the expired grape juice because you were convinced it had fermented into wine...you have a problem.
as soon as I walked into work this morning, my boss called me out on my hangover, patted me on the back and said I'm getting time an a half for even showing up. Did I really look that bad this morning?
I seriously just washed my dick in a public restroom. That's how dirty last night got
I've got my wine, though it wasnt very good so I threw a sour patch kid in it
So the contents found in my winter coats this year: coat 1, condom and 10$. Coat 2, condom and 75$ check. Coat 3, 2.05$ and a sunflower seed.
Obviously coat 3 had the best time since you used the condom and all of the money
I don't want any of this. I just want big sausages.
I love that there are toys on the counter. Coffee, tea, wine bottles, gag ball, and handcuffs.
My kitchen gets me.
If that orgasm indicates how the rest of the year is going to go, I need to buy rain boots.
I'm turning into an adult here.
Adults touch each other's special zones.
Like a gentleman I waited until you were done vomming to start my Big Mac.
Observations from Vegas: #1. Strippers pasties pose a choking hazard. #2. Best. Heimlich. Ever.
I just left a 3 minute voicemail to the guy I want to fuck baby talking my cats and I don't know if I can delete it 😐
God help them if any millennials are in the vicinity. Rent is too high and we no longer fear death
Randomize
