the cashier wished me a happy fathers day while i bought condoms
hey i know this is weird but does alcohol affect pregnancy tests?
Its like they don't get that I only talk to them before homecoming, thanksgiving, or any other time I go home. I love highschool girls.
Then you ran outside and said you were gonna give the snowman a blowjob
she's sitting alone using her breathalyzer as a kazoo. help.
How in the hell did I take a shot of whiskey to the eyeball last night?
she walked out and i tried to get her to come back but i couldn't remember her name so i just whistled... future reference: that doesn't work
We got a 5L jug of wine for 3 Euro. Italy was a good choice.
I'm smoking a bowl and pondering why we haven't discovered teleportation again.
I got propositioned while wearing the bottom half of a horse costume. It's like god is apologizing to me in the strangest of ways.
What would you say is the recommended tip for a hotel maid who has to clean up vomit on just about every surface of a hotel bathroom?
I am on my usual post-jerkoff high of eternal happiness. Like I could punch a fucking tiger.
i dunno, a lot of my childhood feels like a drugged up fever dream
I think part of my soul drowned in beer and/or jack daniels last night.
I just racked up a fucking ginormous hospital bill because I came so hard I had an asthma attack
Randomize
