After 4 hours of foreplay he passed out and almost immediately peed in my bed. Naked. Like a fountain. Then tried to deny it in the morning by saying he just sweats a lot.
I just made a friends list on fb of all the guys ive hooked up with. genius.
I just made out with a girl with a life jacket on wtf is going on
he couldn't find his key, so we just had sex on his parent's porch while we waited for his mom to get home.
So I fucked that hot french guy last night
You do know he's the one who threw up on our table, right? You get to clean it up.
My water bill is like twice the normal amount. I need a boyfriend.
Do I even want to know?
I can't begin to describe what I look like walking through the grocery store with this outfit and chocolate syrup.
You are softly singing to the wall while slow dancing with it. I feel as though you should discontinue this behavior.
just had a very awkward conversation with the concierge at the hotel, they threw your underwear out
I was chasing pulls of fireball with bites of a bagel and yelling at people to take tequila shots with me. I shouldn't be allowed to go out alone.
Guess who has two thumbs and broke her boyfriends dick?
But unlike the human Walter the plant Walter will someday grow to satisfy my needs
He casually compared computer science to childbirth and I was like "hey, as someone who has wanted to fuck you for six months now, could you please never talk about childbirth ever again"
You couldn’t remember the word hand jibber. Instead, your drunk ass offered the bartenders “unlimited hand fritters” if they wouldn’t cut you off.
You offered him a “Sorry I Blew Your Brother” Blowjob. How does that make it right?
I promised him it would be better than the one I gave his brother which is really nice of me since their actually only half brothers and his brother is cuter
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