dunno bout you, but i grow tired of beef curtains
I brought my laptop into the bathroom so I can facebook while vomiting. New low?
Im at a party and this guy hitting on me just showed me his 'caution choking hazard' tattoo right above his penis. There goes any chance he had of getting laid tonight.
i went to go through my sent box of drunk texts from last night and they were all deleted... i'm going to assume drunk me made the executive decision that sober me would be better off not knowing what they said
We have video of him nailing the sex doll to my wall and putting all the monopoly pieces in her nose
Well, there goes the no drunk sex injuries resolution.
I AM SAFE. EVERYTHING IS FOG. MISSION ACCOMPLISHED.
I really can't get over how proud I am of all us getting laid at the same time in the same apartment
That's not how these arrangements work. You don't buy each other stuff unless you break a sex toy. End of story.
come onnn, where's your sense of adventure?!
I left it in that guy's dorm room.
can we just pause for one second and address the fact that balls were out last night
As soon as I got there, you appeared out of no where, yelled "they're giving away free cigarettes!" in my face and then disappeared and I didn't see you the rest of the night.
About to wash down a xan with an iced pumpkin spiced latte from starbs and I feel like I've never lived up to my stereotype so much at one time
I'm keeping him.
Sex was good?
I had to tap out three times. There aren't words for how much better than "good" that is.
I feel really sorry for my toilet right now
Randomize
