There's an old bald Japanese dude on the metra next to me. He's drinking MGD on a crowded train, and rocking out way too hard to what may be the same Dallas Green song I'm listening to. Life is sweet.
he asked me to help him wrap his girlfriends birthday presents. Dont worry we fucked right after.
Internet sex stories have completely ruined the word sopping for me.
My doctor literally wrote on the script NO SEX
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We broke two of his toes while having sex. He laughed said he'd fix it in the morning and kept going. I think I'm in love
Hahahaha you would not believe what I just pulled out of my vagina. Actually you probably wouldn't be surprised.
I ended up with a gash in my head from drunken dancing last night. I love life.
Im gonna take a shit then figure out how to be better at basketball
The bottle of Jameson may have been a bit aggressive for a Sunday cookout.
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I want a bottle of whiskey to be dropped at my doorstep like a stork drops babies when they are delivered to their parents.
God what have you done to be that much in need of alcohol.
Me WANTS my preciousssssssssss
I hope you gays don't get too crazy after DOMA. Gay divorces aren't any better than straight ones.
I told him I was going to sit on his face after I got out of the shower, he threw up the arm boners and yelled "STEVE HOLT!!" I might actually stop sleeping with other dudes.
I'm going to become fluent in fucking Belgian boys
I was sitting down, taking a piss with a boner, her cat walked into the bathroom and walked up to my legs, I sneezed and pissed all over her cat through between the toilet seat and bowl, it ran off screeching. She thought I peed on her cat on purpose. Kicked me out
If that pentatonix bullshit is playing when I get home we're breaking up
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