So I'm eating my burger minding my own business, when the guy next to me starts up a conversation. Seemed normal at first, stocks, bonds, etc...then he said...and I quote "I can push a bowling-ball up a flight of stairs with my tongue." As I awkwardly laughed he broke out "I bet you I could bite the head off of a rabbit."
So this girl in my math class just went to the bathroom, tampon in hand, comes back with it still in her hand starts digging around in her purse, takes her thing of birthcontrol out, goes oh fuck, and downs the rest of the pills. Got to love college.
she added me on facebook and her celebrity doppelganger is rosie odonnel. FUCK
i'd be lying to you if i said i didn't just bring up microsoft excel to make an alcohol budget
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
WAIT DID YOU MAIL ME A KITTEN
She told me a motorboat isn't successful unless they come out gasping for air. MISSION ACCOMPLISHED!!!
I just looked into the eyes of the man whose car I peed on last night
I just googled, "how to do boob makeup" thats the kind of night I wanna have.
We got out of the car in valet drinking beers we gave the valet one as a tip
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
You answered, dry heaved into the phone twice, & then hung up on me.
If you don't turn up on horseback dressed like a highwayman I am not having sex with you today
Yeah. I hurt his pride. But he's not over it. And by it I mean me.
Jarrod's passed out on the chair with a cup of milk and I've been staring him down in an attempt to use telepathy to make him spill it. Attempts unsuccessful.
You’ll lick BBQ off my cock but no ketchup on a hotdog?
He's throwing Skittles into my cleavage and some are rebounding into my crouch.
Well he's scoring either way then.
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