drank two beers while on the toilet at home during lunch break. new high or new low, not sure
He said he was from Mississippi and my vagina clamped shut like a frightened oyster
So I just walked into the bathroom, and there was this kid, talking to his mom, while taking a shit. I flushed the toilet next to him and heard him say into the phone, "No, I'm not. I'm in my dorm."
Shit. Come in my room. Bring a trashcan and an icepack
she said my body looked tiny like it was a bad thing and then didn't even mention how great my tits look. it's like we're not even friends.
i drank out of my shoe...were you seriously expecting me to be the voice of reason?
Our new goal for this summer is to fuck so hard we lose his security deposit.
You refused to get in the cab so we rock paper scissored to decide who walked you home and the fat guy was it. So don't blame your poor hook-up choice on me; it was all you.
made the entire pub sing the british national anthem, puked, rallied, then peed in a telephone booth and have pictures to prove it, taking tourism to another level since 2012.
I'm going to sing sad and lonely Barbra Streisand songs at the top of my lungs if you don't get here soon
That rando I gave head to on the beach just endorsed me on LinkedIn for Oral Communication Skills. So there's that.
for not the first time in my life, my clothes are covered in piss and i'm standing in line waiting to buy pedialyte at a convenience store
Hey I'm at the gym and I need your personal trainer help. Also can you send me that picture of me eating a sausage. I want to post it on instgram.
We were literally making dick jokes with his dick out
That’s the level of friends with benefits I aspire to achieve
Irony: drinking your pre workout supplement out of the cup your Krispy Kreme doughnut holes came in.
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