i just walked outside for a cigarette and three men walked by in glitter heels and gold shiny thongs. god i love chicago
I think my penis and your vagina just became best friends last night.
I hated hipsters before it was mainstream.
bad decision saturdays are such a good decision
he has a knack for choosing the worst time to masturbate
Do you know what's great about Canada?..... There will always be a Tim Hortons on my walk of shame route
I was masturbating in my bed this morning when my ipod alarm went off and it started playing "show me the meaning of being lonely"
Maybe before the beach I should get a tracking chip in my arm.
i could have been the DD. this is ridiculous. i'm the most sober and getting the least ass.
Have bite marks on my arm where my temporary tat was Saturday night. Did someone try to bite Captain America or something?
One of the many mysteries surrounding the weekend...
I got stoned and explored ice caves with a guy who photographs dildos for a living. I win.
How the fuck can he download so much porn but not know how to find the Skype app?
Tell me again why we had to Facebook stalk your therapist?
True fear is being unable to remember where you hid your weed and vibrator in your parent's house.
He literally shoved the EMT, climbed in the back of the ambulance with his vodka and was like, "C'mon, people. Wrap this up. I got shit to do."
Randomize
