If that ambulance is off to save our dignity, please tell them it's too late...
I woke up with my face in a pile of pancakes and 3000 mistakes.
Apparently on the way out of the ER i asked the nurse to doggie-bag me some more morphine.
We're friends. And when I drunkenly send u a pic of my left testicle i would appreciate a response.
I'm either watching Fifth Element or Hotel Rwanda. There's black people and white people and high life tall boy 18 packs are $11.99 so I could be watching my own hand. I have no idea.
Wanna go watch Transformers and scream "AMERICA!"? I need a no thought activity
She is banging on the liquor store door begging them to let her come in.
i actually pissed myself from laughing when I saw the old man in lingerie carrying a spiderman purse. I dont know if he was real or if it was the tequila, but my head hurts.
3 for 3 on getting girls who say "yolo" at the bar to have anal. Not the motto I live by, but it has changed my life.
Erry day erry day!
No, that's just what we do when we hang out. We get drunk, have really awesome sex, then fight about why we never worked as a couple
Was it fun? The night started with home made Jager and ended in him falling out of a tree with a pocket full of house numbers...you tell me.
how do you expect me to pass the time when I'm too old to be jailbait but too young to legally drink
He fucked me so hard my nail polish actually chipped. I'm keeping him.
I forgot to tell you, that tinder guy literally lives 15 floors beneath me. I have been creepily saying things to him like "I see youve got a hammer on the patio"
When the stripper from this weekend is your cashier at Publix the next day 😐💀#pensacolaproblems
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