I hate when you've made an ugly girl's day by having sex with her, and then she gets greedy and wants to cuddle after you cum.
So i just bought beer on a credit card, using a fake ID, while wearing my nametag from work. All 3 have different names on them. God i love my boobs.
I woke up in the penthouse and did lines off the to of the fireplace. This is not real.
If you stick your dick in my spaghetti, we're fighting.
I'm pretty sure he told me he was sterile and I told him I was on the pill. The positive pregnancy test I'm holding in my hand right now tells me that at least one of us was lying.
that beer fried lasagna last night was sooo good
that wasnt beer fried lasagna, you just poured beer on my lasagna
This is a great bar, except you can't even randomly burst into song without them assuming you're drunk and cutting you off.
i think she just faxed a picture of her vag from the office copy machine... i mean what kind of sexting is that... wait is that even legal???
I think I just smoked a piece of your foot. Were u picking your feet by the weed?
I've found a new low. I was climb-on-the-bar-piano drunk.
He was telling me about how he's leaving on his Mission next week... While we were having sex in the back of his car.
Idk you're asking me for advice on dating bro, after I told you I got a convicts number today.
You squatted and peed on the living room floor while maintaining eye contact with Sebastian
Just almost drowned myself in the shower again. I need an adult.
As your friend, I promise I will drink a full bottle of vodka and belly slide down the stairs with you if that test is positive
Randomize
