Dude, this old lady messaged me on Facebook talking about her grandson and wanted to know shit about me. I'd almost call her a cougar except she looks like mashed potatoes that have come alive.
the two person party stopped when i realized that he tried to throw a hammer at my head.
At what point during this road trip should I let them know I've been drinking in the backseat the whole time and can't take my turn driving?
From the guy that lifted you into a fan I'm sorry
I'be color coordinated the clothes in my closet and my underwear drawer. I'm like an advertisement for house arrest. Help.
Chill out, I'm getting ready as fast as I can. I didn't even masturbate in the shower.
it doesn't matter, he's just a life support system for his dick
I heard you coughing. Are you choking or smoking? And are you okay?
I had to ask him for a dick pic. Do you know how refreshing that was?
How do you forget making out with a coworker in the dressing room at Sears on more than one occasion?
...object impermanence?
who knew magic tricks and sex would actually go together?
I also don't hate being called a giant sack of cheese. Is that weird?
I realized it was late, and he was my brother in humanity and another incarnation of my own life force and consciousness, so I regained control of myself, thanked him for helping me, and went home.
Get the fuck in, we're going to Taco Bell.
So bottomless mimosas = me waking up in a truck bed in a random neighborhood with no purse or phone or idea how I got there.
Randomize
