someone just puked in the library. they put up caution tape. i totally underestimated finals week.
I started making my dollar bills into rings for the strippers
did i call you last night crying about tacos and the royal wedding again?
Down at Ground Zero right now. So many people here. It's the most patriotic game of grabass Ive ever seen.
No. If you are gonna end this, you are gonna do it right. Not by getting bombed and falling on a strange penis. That was the old you.
And on the seventh day, God carefully sculpted your cock to fit perfectly into my masterpiece of a vagina. Then he rested. Look it up.
I just learned how to imitate a trains smokestack. The downside is it makes you look like you ate cocaine. The upside is YOU LOOK LIKE A TRAIN
My vagina is glad I'm back at work because it needs a vacation after working all through my vacation.
you made out with another girl for some wings
I thought I'd never say this, but if I had to choose between these cookies and sex, it would be these cookies
I just had a visual of u banging and screaming at him at the same time.
I'm not going out, it's sweat pants and gallon vodka night at my place and I'm the only one on the guest list.
This is because you lost at fooseball isn't it?
What would I even say at the wedding? "Sorry that I still wouldn't sleep with you after four years of you trying...but hopefully my sister here isn't that stubborn" and give him an awkward pat on the back?
i had to call the bar to ask if they found my bowling ball. That good of a night
btw...it's noon and i'm sitting here drinking wine and eating pixie stix. I really need to find something to do...
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